Why we don't (won't) heal

I have been thinking about what motivates people -- and in particular the degree to which people cling to their brokenness rather than seek wholeness.

Visit with my dad

Over the weekend my daughter and I flew to the Vancouver, Canada area to spend some time with my dad and my sister. My father and I have never had an easy, close relationship but recently I have come to realize that I need to find a way to be there for him regardless -- as much for my kids' sake as my own. My own teenaged son has grown more distant from me as he journeys through the emotional whitewater of the adolescent years, and I feel the tug of my history -- to accept that distance as "inevitable" -- and the tug of father-yearning from him simultaneously.

I was grateful to be able to bring my 20-year-old daughter with me, and enjoyed making the family connections for her -- she had not seen her aunt or grandfather for six years. I also really enjoyed just spending some quiet time with her. With her, as well as with my son, I fall very easily into judging myself as a failure whenever they make choices that I know to be self-limiting or self-destructive, and when I don't layer on a lot of "fathering" in my interactions with them (by which I mean giving them advice, direction, telling them what I think of their choices, making judgments about them etc. etc.). But I am working hard to shut the heck up and just spend time with them.

This is hard work! But this weekend was a good one -- bringing people I love together.

Welcome

As a man, I am encultured to value power over connection. But I have found that placing my focus and energy on increasing my power leads to my being miserable whenever I perceive that my power has been damaged or diminished. It disconnects me from others and leads me to make judgments about others based on my assessment of how much power they have relative to me. It stimulates me to rage whenever my power is challenged or questioned, and to crushing shame whenever I judge that I have lost a "power competition." These phenomena have created a great deal of pain in my life.

In October 2002, I went through a men's training experience in which, among other things, I articulated a mission statement. In it I talked about healing myself and others, and building strong community. Over the years, this mission has evolved and become more concise, so that now I say that I work toward healing relationships -- creating healing connection in the world. I do that by bringing together: first by bringing myself into relationship with others, starting with my own family, and then by bringing others into relationship with each other; and by cutting apart: I am too attached to my wounds and my toxic thoughts, addictive behavior, brokenness and isolation. In other words, healing occurs both through synthesis (bringing together) and analysis (cutting apart) -- and that both are a form of connection between human beings.

I have dedicated myself to being in connection with other energy beings rather than accumulating power at the expense of the world. I am convinced that only by this means will I heal my own "power wounds" and sense of brokenness, and bring gifts of healing to others.

Now comes the big disclaimer: This is a statement of intent, NOT of completion or success. I fully expect never to be able to declare victory or completion in this work. I have only come to the articulation of this mission after fifty years here in Earth School. It will take at least another fifty to understand it, and work to apply it, awkwardly, imperfectly, full of fear and despite mistakes, failures, setbacks. I am out of integrity every day of my life. I will continue.