Going Invisible

I'm helping to facilitate a new men's circle. The leaders are strong, fully present men, and they often trigger each other, challenge each other and push back. I generally respond by going invisible. Last night one of the leaders checked out and I again "found myself" going invisible (the truth is I chose to go invisible). At the end of the evening, the remaining two leaders challenged me on this. I am a drummer, and these two men contrasted my drumming - which is very present, take-charge, and energetic - with how I showed up in the circle last night.

So, it turns out that in order to live my mission of creating healing connection, I have to show up. I have to risk being seen. I have to risk being attacked, and feeling small.

In a parallel process, I'm also doing work on my voice, using a voice coach. She also tells me that my voice goes invisible - I don't put enough breath into it. I have often had the experience in my life of people leaning in when I'm speaking, turning an ear toward me - body language that says, "I can't hear you!" She challenged me to speak loudly enough that someone actually backs away from me - in other words, the opposite body language. When I think about doing this, I have the same sense of exposure that I feel when I think about showing up in this men's circle by challenging the leaders.

And yet, when I take a step back and look at what I'm afraid of - for example, do I think I won't be able to handle an attack, or a challenge, or someone telling me I'm yelling at them? No - this is, I suspect, a little boy's fear of being forever small - and so any act of being "large" (i.e., of showing up in a fully authentic way) is somehow, paradoxically, a fraud.

I do not accept that being authentic for me is an act of fraud. Apart from its inherent illogic, it is based on a little boy's fear rather than an adult man's data. And the data here show me that I am strong and resilient, have survived attacks and can survive attacks. I have learned how to do as an adult what was unable to do as a little boy - so, it is time to base my responses to the world - and to my mission - on what I, as a man among men, know I am capable of.